Smoking damages the chakras warn reiki therapists

In their strongest anti smoking message yet reiki therapists have warned that heavy smoking may cause permanent damage to chakras, the aura and may slow down the flow of chi.

A spokesman for the the British Reiki Association (BRA) told us “We don’t really believe in ‘lungs’ and ‘the brain’ per se, as they rely on conventional medicines’ definition of how the body works. So called Doctors believe that we are kept alive by ‘blood’ travelling around the body wheras reiki therapists know only to well that it is all down to chi. Chi travels round the body like a steam train bringing new age healing loveliness to different stations or chakras as we call them. There are 7 chakra stations in total one is a chakra for the head, one for the throat and two for the aura. The rest are situated around the anal area, one for each buttock and one in the sphincter.   If a chakra station is polluted with toxins from cigarettes then the chi train will get the wrong astral messages and more often than not take the wrong turn at a holistic level crossing.

“In conclusion, all smoking is dangerous, apart from roll ups because they haven’t got all the impurities in them, or something. Smoke from lighting joss sticks or hopi ear candles is entirely safe, and in fact there may be an increased cancer risk from not lighting them.”

Therapists have explained that both auras and chakras can recover if a smoker quits. Full recovery may take some years and will only happen if accompanied with a full course of 192 reiki session. “I charge £75 per distance reiki session. If you want hands on reiki then its only £50 as I get to cop a feel. If you miss a session then we’ll need to start again from the beginning. You’d better buy some of these homeopathic jaffa cakes off me and all.”