Farage “Immigrants can come for the week-end”

Nigel Farage has promised to virtually abolish Britain’s rules on immigration providing immigrants are only visiting for the week-end. Speaking at a press conference this morning the strangely beagle like politician explained that he had had a rethink on the concept of a multicultural Britain.

“I’ve had to have a rethink as it’s come to my attention that  there’s actually lots of different types of migrants. Some are taller than others. Some of them are from Essex who have been on holiday in Lanzarote. Now I’ve watched Different strokes and I once met a Swiss man, and he was very nice and clean. So it’s occurred to me it would be rather fun to have them all over here singing songs, dancing and cooking foreign food as long as it’s restricted to certain designated areas. We can also sell them surface to air missiles. However I think that it’s only fair if they all bugger off back to where they came from on week days to give us all some well deserved peace and quiet. ”

“I’ve thought of everything. Each immigrant will have a stretched bungee cord attached to their ankles when they get on the boat at Calais. Late Sunday night or early Monday morning we’ll just twang them back and watch them skimming across the channel.”

One UKIP voter told us that Mr Farage was like a breath of fesh air.  “I know he’s a wealthy former city broker who went to a posh school but he’s really one of us. And he’s not afraid to tell it like it is. Or at least nearly like it is.It must be a bit like it is. He says it loudly enough.”

However this apparent change in direction  is seen as a step too far for many of Mr Farage’s peers. Former senior UKIP member and professional helmet Godfrey Bloom told us “He’s gone soft with his week-end immigration policy. It should just be Tuesdays. They come on Tuesday and they leave on Tuesday. We don’t want a single one still loitering about on Wednesday and Monday is too early for them to come back. Tuesdays and nothing else. Take it or leave it.”