Public celebrate New Years Honours list as everybody made a Lord

Britain has been described as being in a perpetual state of celebration today as the New Years Honours list has made everybody a Lord.

Prime Minister David Cameron heralded the scheme as a victory for common sense, and one in the eye for all naysayers.

“It’s all been a bit difficult. We want to combine honours for some people who the Daily Mail readers like, and also reward some people for giving us money or just being our friends. But it gets so complicated, with all these new Lords, Knights OBEs and other combinations of letters, the common man on the street doesn’t know who to doff his cap and grovel to these days. So we’re going to make everyone a Lord.”

One Lord who was already a lord has gone on record to voice his displeasure over the issue. “This is absolutely outrageous. My wife bought me a square foot of land on the internet which had a title in it so I’m already a Lord. I’ve had the title put on my credit card and everything. And now the government make me a Lord anyway. They should give me my £25 back.”

Leader of the opposition and recently appointed Lord Ed Miliband has also criticised the scheme. “This is a typical example of an unequal society. Everyone gets a title but to be a proper Lord you need a robe and an enormous hat made of animal furs which isn’t included in the package. It means all the wealthy Lords will have lovely mink hats and all new aristrocracy on low incomes will have to skin a cat. Or a passing badger.”

However the Government have been criticised for accidentally missing out a handful of people in what is seen as an IT glitch. One person affected was Pliers out of Chaka Demus and Pliers. “It’s a nightmare. I have to bow and exchange polite small talk every time I meet anyone. Even my wife keeps asking me what I do for a living and smiling patronisingly at me when I tell her. I’m basically going to hide in the shed until my certificate comes through.”