Daily Mail readers to get own parliament

littlejohn

Daily Mail readers are to get their own parliament as discussions regarding regional devolution progress and following the acceptance that some people live not in a particular geographical location, but in a mythical version of Britain that is only in their head.

A spokesman for the Daily Mail has described the move as a victory for common sense. “It’s outrageous that Guardian readers can vote against us in our assertions that immigrants are to blame for everything. And independent readers. And Mirror readers. And people capable of rational thought. We want Daily Mail votes for Daily Mail readers on Daily Mail issues.” he explained.

Whilst members of the new Daily Mail Parliament have not been elected yet it’s already thought from opinion polls that the house will be in full agreement that ‘they get everything and we get nothing’

Richard Littlejohn who is widely tipped to be voted in as Daily Mail first Minister told us that the new assembly could not have come soon enough.

“People are sick and tired of facts. Facts mean we have to accept that most unemployed people want to work and most immigrants benefit the economy. Well we’ve had enough. We need a Regional Assembly that spouts vitriolic views unchallenged until such time that we’ve alienated every single demographic and turned on each other like a pack of rabid dogs.

“We look back to a sunny yesteryear circa the 1950s where you could put a penny in a phone box or call the police if you saw a foreigner. You could only get three types of food and unemployed people would have to mow your lawn. And mop it. And at the end of each day we would all return to our homes in an all white street where everyone has nice hedges and bestiality and incest stayed behind closed doors.”

In the forthcoming elections, anyone brandishing a copy of the Daily mail will be eligible to vote. Anyone who has forgotten their copy may still be eligible providing they can fluently blame all problems in their life on an Eastern European.

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