George Osborne “I’m going to keep putting my nob in a food processor”

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has vowed to redouble his efforts in placing his penis into a food processor despite clear evidence that it becomes a little bit shorter every time rather than longer as he originally predicted. The move comes as Moody’s have downgraded Britain’s credit rating from a AAA rating to AA1 but have stated that they feel partially responsible for the new score. “We regret that on discussing Mr Osborne’s austerity measures we may have told him that for all the good they would do the economy he may as well place his nob in a food processor. This appears to have been taken literally”.

Mr Osborne has reiterated that he will not be changing course and ruled out measures to  encourage growth such as placing one of his bollocks into a toaster. “It’s my wanger and a kenwood that’s going to get us out of this recession and I don’t care what evidence you think you have to the contrary”.

A party insider told us “He does like to have his own way on things”

Nigel Fararage of the UK Independence Party has argued that Mr Osborne is not actually putting his nob far enough into the food processor to get results, and needs to insert it fully in order to bring Britain back from recession. “If I was him I’d be getting jiggy with a flymo” he told us.