Party leaders are said to be ‘upset and disappointed’ at the results of the latest polls released today which suggest that most of the British public are intending to shun all major and minor political parties at the forthcoming General election, and instead vote for a wanking monkey.
One such member of the public was already camping outside the polling centre a month early when we spoke to him. “I’m what you’d call a floating voter. I’ve flitted between Conservatives, Labour, Lib Dems, UKIP, SNP, BNP, English Democrats and the Socialist Workers Party, but I’ve decided the best thing to do is be true to myself and to cast my vote for a masturbating primate. After all everyone likes a wanking monkey”.
UKIP leader Paul Nuttall is said to be furious at the sudden swing towards self sexing simians. “We’re supposed to be the protest vote for a party without any actual policies. Who are these monkeys and what is their hidden agenda? Are they British?”
The wanking monkey vote may serve to change an electoral process that is often seen as outdated. A spokesman from the National Electoral Commission told us “For various reasons, we are unable to write ‘wanking monkey’ on the ballot paper, so voters will be required to draw a box at the bottom and write wanking monkey next to it before ticking the box. This will be perfectly valid. In fact, if anyone makes the effort to draw a wanking monkey on their ballot paper, it will count as two votes”.
Whilst usually seen as impartial the BBC have made no secret to their full support for the wanking monkey vote. John Humphreys told us “On election night we usually use a swing-o-meter. Well nothing swings more than a wanking monkey so that’s what we’ll be voting for”.
Whipsnade zoo have been awarded the contract to provide the inappropriate apes to most local authorities should the predicted landslide victory become a reality. “The monkeys are all really looking forward to holding public office. If anything they’ve sped up in anticipation”.