Simon Cowell to lead panel as Britain seeks country to replace Scotland

Alex Salmon

An interview panel including David Cameron, Simon Cowell, Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog has been sent up to grill representatives from a number of countries to assess their suitability to replace Scotland in a ‘new, fitter and leaner United Kingdom’. Mr Cameron told us “We want to look at a future partner’s GDP, their cuisine and of course how well they can sing and dance. Simon Cowell naturally will be invaluable in that respect. And Spit the Dog will just spit at ambassadors he doesn’t like. It’s truly a multi-faceted team.”

After the first round of interviews, with representatives from countries such as Luxembourg, Yemen and The Peoples Democratic Republic of Congo, Belgium has emerged as the hot favourite to replace Scotland on its departure. After all night talks, David Cameron and Belgian Prime Minister, Elio Di Rupo, emerged this morning to issue statements to the press.

A beaming Cameron announced, “We’re swapping whingeing men in skirts who eat deep fried mars bars, for gourmet beers, chocolate, mussels and beautiful cities. It’s a no brainer really. I’d just like to thank Alex Salmond for making it all possible!”

Elio Di Rupo was equally enthusiastic, stating, “For centuries the french have taken the piss out of us. But now we will have access to nuclear weapons!”

However, as Iain Duncan-Smith pointed out, the results of the referendum are by no means certain. “Whilst we have a good idea of public opinion” he explained, “many Scots like to write “Aye” and “Noo” on their voting slips instead of yes and no. This will of course result in a great many spoilt ballots.”

Alex Salmond was also at pains to point out “I haven’t said we’re definitely going yet. Though of course if we do then I will be King” He added. It is not clear whether Scotland will be taking the surrounding Islands with them.

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