Simon Cowell to find the next Lemmy

Pop hit factory guru Simon Cowell has announced that he will be launching a new Saturday night prime time singing competition to find the next Lemmy, following the death of the former Hawkwind bassist and Motorhead front man. The new show is thought to be judged by Cowell himself, Cheryl Cole, Louis Walsh and some […]

Sun outrage as Corbyn refuses to vote on X Factor

Popular newspaper The Sun has called for newly appointed Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn to be strung up by his curlies following revelations that he will not be voting on, discussing or even watching X Factor. Today’s edition of the paper said “One minute he’s refusing to doff his cap to the Queen. Now he’s refusing […]

ISIS Chief’s first video panned by critics

ISIS Chief Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is said to be working on a new video after his first one released today has been almost universally panned by critics. Irish record producer and manager of bands such as Westlife and Boyzone, Louis Walsh, told us that the leader of the militant Islamist group would have work to […]

Simon Cowell to lead panel as Britain seeks country to replace Scotland

An interview panel including David Cameron, Simon Cowell, Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog has been sent up to grill representatives from a number of countries to assess their suitability to replace Scotland in a ‘new, fitter and leaner United Kingdom’. Mr Cameron told us “We want to look at a future partner’s GDP, their […]

Songs of praise to be judged by Simon Cowell

BBC1’s religious shanty programme ‘Songs of Praise’ is to now have Simon Cowell commenting after each hymn and awarding points as part of what many see as a long overdue revamp of the programme. A spokesman for the BBC told us “It should have been done years ago. The show’s been running since 1961 where […]

X Factor ratings set to plummet as channel 4 series “Man shits in bucket” commences

Simon Cowell was said this morning to be “livid” regarding a surprise change to the Channel 4 schedule which will involve a screening of a man taking a dump into a bucket. It’s thought that this will be shown at the same time as every X factor episode throughout the new series, and that the […]

Men return from pub as Britain’s Got Talent finally ends

The pub trade was today lamenting the end of the 2013 series of Britains Got Talent as husbands, boyfriends and male platonic live in friends throughout the country returned home from the pub this morning . Motorists faced delays of several hours as many city centres were closed today due to the staggering hoards of […]