Pop hit factory guru Simon Cowell has announced that he will be launching a new Saturday night prime time singing competition to find the next Lemmy, following the death of the former Hawkwind bassist and Motorhead front man.
The new show is thought to be judged by Cowell himself, Cheryl Cole, Louis Walsh and some other cunt. Speaking from outside the studio and taking a break from his own inanity, Mr Cowell said:
“He’s very popular this Lemmy. So we’re going to need to manufacture a new one and as Britain’s king maker of pop I should be the one to decide his successor. It’s what he would have wanted.
“Apart from the fact that he wrote his own music and failed to conform to a corporate, mass produced, saccharin sweet, PR agency manufactured, two dimensional image, which would of course have made him much better, I’m his biggest fan. Obviously whoever wins and becomes the new Lemmy would need to change their music and image. And start singing Westlife covers, or something.
“And no guitars. Unless it’s an acoustic strummed in a half arsed fashion by two clean cut teenagers, singing cover songs to a backing track and harmonising unnecessarily
“And no swearing. It’s bland cover versions of overplayed shite from now on.”
One excited fan told us “It’s going to be like the early days of Hawkwind all over again.”