X Factor ratings set to plummet as channel 4 series “Man shits in bucket” commences


Simon Cowell was said this morning to be “livid” regarding a surprise change to the Channel 4 schedule which will involve a screening of a man taking a dump into a bucket. It’s thought that this will be shown at the same time as every X factor episode throughout the new series, and that the effect this may have on the karaoke competition’s ratings could be catastrophic.

A spokesman from Channel 4 told us “We should have done this sooner. How many times in the street have you heard ladies discussing X factor, and their gentlemen friends announcing that they would rather watch a man take a shit in a bucket! Well now we’re going to be providing that alternative. Originally, we were just going to have the same man taking a dump but we reasoned that people would want a little more razmatazz. So we’ll be having public votes and of course employing Ant and Dec, and that bloke of Pineapple dance studios”

It’s thought that the Grand final will be held in the Albert Hall in front of the Queen. “They’ll be suspended from the ceiling by a wire and be expected to poo directly into a bucket over 40 feet below” we were told.

In the same vein as X Factor, judges will look not only for people with talent but people who have overcome adversity to perform their act. Hot favourite to win already is tonight’s contestant Dave Crumpet. In just the last few days Dave has not only had to witness the death of his pet rabbit but was then sadly diagnosed with herpes. “Things just got worse after that.” Dave told us “I went to see my GP but it turned out it was his last day at work, so instead of treating me, he just laughed at me and then kicked me in the nuts!”

“So it means so much for me to be here on Man shits in bucket” Dave added “I’m going to give it 110 percent and put all my heart, soul and lower colon into it!”

Shit in a bucket will of course also involve singing as you might expect. Contestants will have the choice over whether they sing “Hole in the ground” by Bernard Cribbins or “Ah shaddap ya face” by Joe Dolce. Louis Walsh told us off the record “Simon’s fecking furious. He just wished he’d thought of it”

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