Isle of Wight to impose border controls

The Isle of Wight is set to be the latest nation to impose strict new border controls, as concern increases regarding immigration from the mainland.

Council Leader Jonathan Bacon said  “It makes sense for us to have border controls here. Otherwise Hampshire and Dorset locals are going to come over here in a swarm. If mainlanders start thinking we’re a soft touch, they’ll be coming over from West Sussex as well.

“Of course we’ve had border controls before. They were the reason that for years we never had rabies here. Until the time someone turned up with a rabid dog on early closing Wednesday, when no-one works on the island including the border guards or police. Now every dog on the island has rabies.” He explained.

Millions of people already travel to the island every year on boats known on the island as “um iron swan”. Quite often these boats are overloaded with shit snacks and overpriced instant coffee. Generally people turn straight round and go back again with out interfering with the gene pool.

“But if people start settling here then you’ll have strangers” one worried resident explained.