Jihadists to be quarantined on the Isle of Wight and forced to watch Strictly Come Dancing

British jihadists who travel abroad to fight will have their UK citizenship partially revoked, restricting their access to the Isle of Wight, where they will be forced to spend an indefinite period of time watching every episode of Strictly Come Dancing as part of tough new measures announced today by Prime Minister David Cameron.

“It’s about time that jihadists realise that with their decisions come consequences. The consequence in this case to be exiled to Britain’s most interbred island to watch back to back episodes of celebrities twirling around like the glittered up self promoting weasels that they are, whilst the judges witter on like deranged monkeys and the audience clap and bark like seals.” He explained.

The controversial Isle of Wight only passport has been criticised by Amnesty International and Liberty who call it Britain’s answer to Guantanamo bay, also describing the enforced spectating of celebs Tim Wonnacott and Pixie Lott as Britain’s answer to waterboarding. Indeed Liberty Director Shami Chakrabarti said “If these people are guilty of a crime then they should be tried by the British legal system. Not forced to watch episode after episode of Greg Wallace and Christopher Biggins twirling around like attention seeking fuck-clangers whilst simultaneously being told by locals that it takes 20 years to be accepted around here.”

One Isle of Wight local said “I don’t really understand. Why would you watch anything other than Strictly Come dancing anyway? It’s either that or the picture of the little girl with the clown. It’s a no brainer.”