Fifa report clears Ernst Stavro Blofield of all impropriety


Ernst Stavro Blofield, head of international organisation SPECTRE has been cleared of all impropriety in a report released yesterday by Fifa. Provoking a very mixed response, the report also cleared the entire organisation of any wrongdoing along with a huge man with metal teeth and another with a top hat, make up and an evil laugh.

The 42-page document was put together by German judge Hans-Joachim Eckert having apparently based his findings on the work of American lawyer Michael Garcia but taken some bits out and put some of his own bits in again.

But shockingly, less than four hours later Garcia, issued a statement questioning the report and accusing it of glossing over several examples of evil plans with dramatic music in the background.

He said Eckert’s findings contained numerous materially incomplete and erroneous representations, not to mention completely ignoring evidence provided by agent 007, Felix Lighter and a young lady in a bikini.

Speaking to a packed press conference Mr Garcia said “My original draft of the report clearly states that Blofield frequently and blatantly sits there stroking a cat and planning the deaths of millions of people, often bringing down civilisation as we know it as a result. All that seems to have been brushed under the carpet.”

Greg Dyke is said to be incensed at further accusations the report makes of the FA. “We comply with the investigation in good faith and end up being accused of running a worldwide criminal empire from under the sea. Absolute bastards.”

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