Russian President Vladimir Putin has signed a decree recognising the Isle of Wight as a “sovereign and independent state”, officials say.
Sources said the decree would come into force immediately.
Foreign Secretary William Hague said “Mr Putin has had his eye on the Isle of Wight and their thriving ice cream and garlic industry for years. We’re not 100% sure that Russian troops are there at the moment but the Isle of Wight Press have reported a high volume of complaints of ‘strangers’. I didn’t see direct evidence of troops when I visited the Island but it was 1978.”
The move follows Sunday’s referendum in which officials said 97% of voters backed breaking away from the United Kingdom and joining Russia. The referendum held in Moscow was said to be open to all Islanders.
It’s thought that many Islanders have embraced the decree despite it being described as illegal throughout the international community. Using the medium of morse code one islander told us:
“There’s only two types of people, us and mainlanders. And if we’re going to be ruled by mainlanders it’s clearly better if they’re further away. Plus we are great admirers of Mr Putin on the Island. His riding of horses topless and diving to the bottom of the sea to find ancient vases goes down a storm in our culture. I’d be happy for him to marry my sister if I hadn’t just married her myself.”
News Toad 
My inside source has just revealed (please, please,treat this as secret) that the Island has already voted for independence. However the good news is that they rejected the proposal that William Hague be their PM. It seems that Alan Titchmarsh remains favourite for the post. Something to do with his loving the gardens at Ryde.
Sorry about the misleading info about Ms Rigg’s breasts.
I do know from inside sources that Mr Putin is bent on undermining our fine British Society. What I’m about to reveal is secret…..Yorkshire is about to have a similar referendum with a view to joining Russian Empire.
The suggestion is that the Isle of Wight and Yorkshire should form a union with Diana Rigg ( a sound Yorkshire woman) as Queen should go down well in view of her popularity on the Island since her bathing topless on Ryde Beach at the New Year.
I can exclusively disclose that there us an ironic truth behind this story. IoW was in fact Putin’s first choice ahead of the Crimea to annex but he decided against it for two reasons 1 because he couldn’t get a ferry after 9 pm and 2 because he couldn’t afford the fare either
It might be fresh new jobs, like armourers, uniform makers and Jack boot companies
This is an outrage, I for one will never submit to the Putin, er, felt boot. We must take action! I suggest somebody (obviously not me) should set up a Facebook resistance page. Obviously we wouldn’t do anything positive with it but if the IOW can be freed by grumbling then we are the people to do it!
Absolute corker mate.