The only humane way to cull badgers is by introducing them to alcohol, cigarettes and crack cocaine according to the Princess Royal.
Speaking to BBC One’s Countryfile programme at her Gatcombe Park estate, Princess Anne explained “The trouble with badgers is they live quite a healthy lifestyle. All those root vegetables they scoff mean that they have boundless energy to run amok giving tuberculosis to cows left, right and centre. If we can throw a spanner in the works of their healthy life style and get them addicted to drugs they’ll have a shorter life span. It’s a much nicer way of doing things.”
The suggestions from the Princess have enjoyed widespread support from farmers and politicians alike. A spokesman for the NFU said “The Princess Royal is noted for outspoken views and her forthright honesty. And she’s right. Apart from the reduced life span a drug addicted badger will be too busy committing petty crimes to feed its habit to worry about giving cows TB.”
However luring badgers into bad habits has been unsuccessfully tried before in the 1970s according to Prof Rosie Woodroffe of the Zoological Society for London who told us “It didn’t work. The badgers seemed to lap it up to start with but in the end they just had one big weekend long party and then they all seemed to quit. After that farmers would leave a bottle of vodka and some crystal meth out for them only come back and find it untouched. They’re actually a bit dull as far as woodland creatures go.”
A Government spokesman has refused to rule out a shift to blaming moles for stuff.
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GOVERNMENT FORCES IN DISARRAY
Latest reports from the South West front indicate that Government forces are falling back in the face of combined assaults from the Badger Army and the newly-formed “FAB” (fox and beaver) Alliance.
In skirmishes at Gatcombe, red-coated cavalry under the command of a female Royal General were bombarded with complaints and high-powered insults and fled the field.
At the same time, Colonel Maria Miller’s Infantry Regiment refused to advance unless they received immediate tax-free incentives.
In a later development, acts of sabotage have been reported in the North West of England. These are believed to be the work of extremist stoats and ferrets who have attacked local Bingo Halls patronised by Conservative politicians.