Volkswagen drivers are entirely to blame for global warming, driving around their pretend eco-friendly armageddon mobiles, the company’s Chief Executive has admitted today.
The statement comes following reports that the VW onboard computer was deliberately programmed to not display the global warming catastrophe light the moment the engine was started, leaving the drivers able to maintain eco-friendly credentials on the surface whilst in reality tipping the earth’s fragile eco-system towards becoming a lifeless and sun charred rock.
Announcing his resignation, Martin Winterkon said “We are so very sorry. But at the time it seemed easier than fart arsing around with the engine just for the sake of the environment and some catastrophic climate change thing or other. I am a CEO of a multi-national corporation so obviously I don’t drive a Volkswagen myself and as a result can’t take any blame, but anyone who has been driving one of our cars has been heating up the planet like a mothafucka and needs to do a bit of soul searching.
“One things for sure if you drive one of our cars you have directly contributed to the death of a seal or a penguin. You have, metaphorically at least, closed your hands around it’s furry or oily feathery neck depending on whether it is a penguin or a seal that you are strangling.”
A spokesman for Audi confirmed that in no way were they up to a similar thing. “We’d show you the software but the dog ate it” he explained.