Putin and Elton to meet “just as friends”

A meeting to be held in the near future between Vladimir Putin and Elton John is “absolutely not a date” according to a statement from the Kremlin which has confirmed that the pair will be meeting up just as friends.

“It is just a man suggesting meeting up with another man to discuss manly things but not like that, I know what you’re thinking, cheeky.” said a spokesman for Mr Putin, who famously likes being photographed riding horses semi-naked.

“They’ll probably have a few beers, shoot a few games of pool and in the unlikely event that they get into any sort of embrace it will be sharply followed by a couple of slaps on the back to make it not gay after all. And then it’s off to bed in separate beds. In fact it will most likely be separate rooms.”

The statement comes alongside a firm denial from the Kremlin that a large shipment of nice new cushions and cocktail umbrellas have been ordered in specifically for the meeting.

“The whole thing couldn’t be more platonic and less gay if it tried. And there’s no chance of one thing leading to another.” We were told.

One source told us that Vladimir Putin has long been a fan of Elton John. “By fan we mean holding a purely asexual appreciation of his music rather than there being anything else in it. Which there isn’t.” He explained.