Smokers celebrate mystery fag packet roulette


Smokers throughout the country are today celebrating the Government’s decision to remove branding from cigarettes, making it impossible to distinguish which brand you have, and thus making smoking more unpredictable and exciting.

One smoker in Australia which legislated to make smoking more fun 2 years ago explained “Life used to be so bloody predictable when you knew what brand of smoke you had. Now if you decorate every pack of snouts with a picture of a set of rotting teeth, you suddenly don’t know whether you’ve got 20 Schmichaels, a packet of Paddington menthols or Marble Arch princely size. Every day becomes a surprise.  As soon as they start putting a mystery element to alcoholic drinks in the same way it’ll be even more fun.”

Secretary of State for Health Jeremy Fucking Hunt explained that rather than making smoking more exciting, the nation would in fact give up smoking en masse without any form of corporate branding to relate to. “It doesn’t take Einstein to work out that nobody wants to buy anything without a special logo and colour scheme on it. Even something that they’re addicted to.  Illegal drugs are generally sold in unbranded packaging and that’s why there’s simply no demand for them.”

However UKIP leader and celebrity smoker Nigel Farage told us “It’s absolutely outrageous. I’m going to end up nipping out for a puff on a Kensington and Knightsbridge Superkings and find out I’m smoking one of those stubby little French cigarettes. So I’ll be going across to France to make sure I can buy British cigarettes thank you very much.”



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