Maria Miller to gradually phase out fraud and threats to press

Culture Secretary Maria Miller is to gradually phase out expenses fraud and threats to press until such time that she is barely doing either at all, according to a  statement issued this morning.

“It’s part of a gradual phase out. Originally I was falsely claiming on mortgage payments. Today all I’ve done is buy a new laptop and put it on expenses as tea towels. And next week I’ll probably whittle it down to a non existent train journey or two. And if any members of the press have an issue with this I’ll remind them of my involvement in deciding press legislation. I can and will ban all newspapers from using the letter F ”

Indeed Mrs Miller was speaking from enchurch street station where she advised members o the press to uck o. Raud she argued was not illegal and so she had nothing to apologise or.

Conservative Party Chairman Grant Schapps has welcomed the statement and called for a line to now be drawn under this and all similar activities by anyone in Government.

“It’s time to draw a line under this. And everything else that people might be criticising us over. That’s it. End of story. No more criticism. You’re too late. I’ve drawn a line.” he told whilst drawing a line.