Club shut down by people who don’t go clubbing anymore

People who don’t go clubbing have called the closure of London super-club Fabric, a victory for common sense, particularly as they don’t go clubbing anymore so it won’t affect them.

A spokesman for Islington Council, where you’re more likely to die in police custody than at Fabric, said “I’m all grown up with a job and a suit now, so it pains me to see people still clubbing at fabric. It’s a haven for drugs. And I should know. Back in the day I used to get absolutely munted in there. Once they wouldn’t even let me in because I was so trolleyed. So I’m shutting it down for drugs.That’ll show them.”

The move has proved popular amongst people who in general want to ban things that they themselves have no involvement in and are unaffected by, such as gay marriage.

The startling revelation that some people might take drugs when they go clubbing, not cause any trouble, and then go home again is not being cited as the only reason for the clubs closure. Another council official said:

“I never even went clubbing when I was younger. Not because of the drugs, I’m just a fundamentally joyless person. But I must admit stopping other people from having fun does cheer me up a bit. We can always blame it on the drugs.”