All Olympic medals are set to be reallocated to a fat man following the news that all athletes have tested positive on a mass retest of samples from 1954 to the present day.
A spokesman for the International Olympic Committee said “We have to give these medals to someone. And as it turns out all the athletes and half the spectators were ripped to the tits on something or other, we just gave them to the first bloke that came out clean.
Indeed, a rather surprised Erkan Mustafa from London told us that having never been into sports, the surprise of being crowned Olympic champion of absolutely everything for the last 60 years, including the 20 odd years before he was born, was an absolute turn up for the books.
“I should really do a lap of honour or something. But I can’t be arsed. Unless there’s any more of those pick me ups going round.” He explained.
Mr Mustafa’s athletic prowess may not be in the limelight for much longer as the public mood appears to be taking a more favourable turn to athletes seeking to gain an advantage through narcotic abuse.
One spectator told us “The public just want to see how fast someone can run if you get them baked as a badger. On your marks, inject all manner of substances into your arse, and Go! Let’s face it, if someone does the 2 minute mile, who cares if they’re a bit spannered?”