Cameron “Independent Scotland will be like planet of the apes”

An independent Scotland will resemble the planet of the apes after a few generations away from Westminster rule according to predictions from a leading London think tank.

Speaking in Aberdeen this afternoon, Prime Minister David Cameron said the report should serve as a stark warning to those who feel Scotland should go it alone.

“After independence has been agreed a huge wall will go up and it is very unlikely that anyone will hear from the Scots  for a hundred years or so. Then a plane will probably be forced to crash land there or something and the crew may well discover a land taken over by monkeys. Some of them with shotguns.” he explained.

David Cameron has argued that the people of Scotland should vote No as a United Britain with a nuclear deterrent would be far more better equipped to fend off an attack by talking apes who unchallenged would seek become our masters. “Look, I’m not speaking to you as a conservative leader or a representative of the Bullingdon club. I’m merely saying that we have reason to believe that any transition to enforced ape rule would be nothing like that new film or the one with that Helena Bonham Carter monkey in it. Rest assured it would be like the proper 1968 one with Charlton Heston in it. And there would be no going back.”

First Minister Alex Salmond has refused to reveal any sort of contingency plan and has denounced the report simply as “scaremongering”