All Scotsmen to get a free wash and valet

scotsmen free valet

All Scotsmen are going to get a free wash, wax and polish if they vote No according to a pledge signed today by Prime Minister David Cameron, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg and Labour leader Ed Miliband.

It is not clear whether all Scotsmen will be wheeled through a mechanical wash on a conveyor belt or whether each one will be done personally with a sponge and a soapy bucket.

Speaking at a heaving press conference Mr Cameron said that he loved Scottish people and couldn’t wait to see their little faces light up at the news. “Their flag is blue and white. And it’s only apt that all Scots then have a bluey white April freshness that can only come with a sparkly clean valet. If they vote no. If they vote Yes then they’ll have to stay filthy.”

The pledge has not had widespread support from other corners of the UK. A spokesman for the welsh assembly told us “Why do they get the proper wash, wax and polish? What makes them so special? We’re lucky if someone squirts a hose at us?”

SNP leader and Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond has described the pledge as too little too late. “The only way to get a platinum valet, usually obtainable by buying a ticket for £5.50 that can be redeemed within the next month, absolutely free will be by voting Yes. And we’re going to pay for it through oil revenues” he added.

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