Ray Winstone called in to sort out the weather

Hard man Ray Winstone is getting set to confront the weather as part of new measures agreed at the most recent Government COBRA meeting.

Speaking at a packed press conference Prime Minister David Cameron told us “The public can rest assured that we’re going to explore every avenue to help Britain through this meteorological crisis. We thought of getting Brian Blessed to shout at the weather but that seems to just cause thunder storms and make it worse. So we’re going to have to get Ray Winstone in to do it over. If that doesn’t work then we’ve done our bit and it’s not our problem.”

Mr Winstone himself added “That weather, it’s taking liberties. I’m going to march up to it and say ‘oi weather where’s your tool?’ When the weather replies ‘what tool?’ I’ll hit it over the head with snooker balls stuffed in a sock before saying ‘right you bastard, I’m the weather now’.”

Fellow television hard man Danny Dyer told us that any fight between Winstone and the present tempestuous climate could go either way. “That weather’s a bit tasty but Winstone, he’s the Guvnor.  He was saying wheres your tool to people before I was born. Mind you the weather’s been around even longer than that I think. It’s all gonna get a bit naughty.”