Fred Talbot guilty of indecently assaulting the weather

Former weather man Fred Talbot indecently assaulted the weather using his position of power and influence to force himself on meteorological variations who were powerless to stop him.

Announcing the guilty verdict, presiding Judge Timothy Mort summarised that under the guise of a temperature predicting clown who jumped around a floating map of Britain to please his then bosses Richard and Judy, Mr Talbot it seemed lived a double life which included fiddling with sunny days, inappropriately touching clouds and grooming the wind.

The verdict itself may only be the tip of the iceberg as further accusations are said to be coming in thick and fast, with many forms of weather now feeling confident enough to come forward. A spokesman for Scotland Yard confirmed that they were taking statements from a number of isobars and a hazy morning in Wilmslow circa 1987.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage said “They’re probably all at it, treating climactic conditions as their own personal playthings. But it’s the elephant in the room. You can’t say anything about weather men without being un-PC. Personally I think the entire weather predicting community should make an immediate apology for the actions of one of their ranks. And as nothing happens amongst their lot without the say so of their leader Michael Fish. He should apologise.”