Still more time to run around panic buying shit

Despite the fact that the shops are shut for a day on Friday there are still a few more days to run around panic buying shit according to retailers. A spokesman for the National Association of Generic Shopping Centres said “If you ran around yesterday buying ill thought out presents and you’ve woken up this […]

Fat racist woman shopping in pyjamas with pit bull wins Briton of the year

The Times have awarded their esteemed title of Briton of the year to an overweight racist lady shopping in her pyjamas accompanied by a pit bull terrier. On hearing the news and finding out it wouldn’t affect her benefits Tracy Garlic from Buckland in Portsmouth was said to be absolutely delighted that the award had […]

Pandemonium as shops run out of shitty “Gift idea” box sets

A spokesman for the Association of High Street Retailers has apologised after manufacturing difficulties and unforeseen shipping issues meant that the last ill thought out shitty gift idea box set, that no-one would ever buy with sound mind and nobody would ever want to receive, was sold after a scuffle at Debenhams in Shitterton early […]

Royal baby accused of not doing much

The British public are reportedly up in arms this morning as several days after the Royal baby’s arrival it doesn’t appear to be doing very much. One disgruntled member of the public told us “Once again we bring these descendants of tyrannical despots into a life of unbridled luxury at the tax payers expense and […]

High streets are stupid say public

High streets are stupid and should be filled in with concrete according to a recent poll. A bygone era when one could pay thruppence for parking and peruse some haberdashery or 1970s delicacies under one roof at the local Jenkinson, Abdul and Eric department store now seems like a distant memory. Grumpy old man Charlie […]