High streets are stupid say public

High streets are stupid and should be filled in with concrete according to a recent poll.

A bygone era when one could pay thruppence for parking and peruse some haberdashery or 1970s delicacies under one roof at the local Jenkinson, Abdul and Eric department store now seems like a distant memory.

Grumpy old man Charlie Brooker has long voiced his objection to high streets and has publicly refused to visit one since 1978. “You go out to buy wallpaper or some book ends or something, you see someone you vaguely know and then have to either pretend you haven’t seen them or launch into an inane tirade of questions and answers about the weather, family and what you’re planning to have for your shit unimaginative dinner. People don’t want that any more. They want to buy everything online, only leave the house in emergencies and then if they want to socialise they can do that  by pressing the like button when someone posts a funny picture of a cat on facebook.”

Mary Portas has come under fire for her plans to force everyone to visit the high street. The former art student and now shop expert has expressed fury that people shop online in order to have more time to do other things like have barbecues or go to the cinema.  “I’ll save the high street if it’s the last thing I do. And if that means forcing people eat their own lap tops then that’s what I must do” she tweeted yesterday.

It is not clear whether Mrs Portas plans to save every street referred to as ‘a high street’ or simply just every street that is actually called ‘High street’.  However all is not doom and gloom. Croxley near Watford still enjoys a thriving high street with upwards of a hundred visitors a day. One such punter told us “I always start with a cup of overpriced coffee from a chain coffee outlet. Then I visit a pound shop and then I go across the road place a bet avoiding any marauding chuggers by pretending to be Ukranian. I then like to con some of the street drinkers into buying non alcoholic cider off me before running away. What’s not to like?”