Russian people are going to have to have either goose or duck for their Christmas dinner following reports that President Putin has banned all feasting on flappy necked birds between Christmas eve and Boxing day.
“Anyone planning to celebrate Christmas with a roasted bird that goes by the same name as a country we have very poor diplomatic relationships with can expect to be prosecuted for their treachery.” He warned.
“They can still have all the trimmings as long as none of the produce originates from the European Union, has a name similar to a country that we are having a spat with, or is homosexual. For example sausages will be allowed as long as no men eat them in a suggestive fashion.”
Whilst enforceable within Russia, Putin’s calls to the wider community for an international boycott of turkey lunches has fallen on deaf ears, even from some of his closest neighbours.
Indeed, one Ukrainian we spoke to told us that he was planning a three bird roast. “It’s a turkey stuffed inside another turkey stuffed in another turkey.” He explained.
However Mr Putin has received some support from friend and confidante, the singer Elton John. “I don’t like turkey myself. It’s too dry. That’s why I normally have a male chicken. And Putin knows he’s always welcome to come and dine on my cock.” He explained.