Cameron urged to intervene as May begins to eat Gove

Michael Gove has this afternoon strenuously denied reports that he is being gradually eaten alive by Home Secretary Theresa May.

Speaking on Andrew Neil’s political chat show ‘Afternoon Bollocks’ the Education Secretary explained “Theresa is a superb Home secretary. Fantastic. First rate. Top hole. And frankly anyone who thinks she is slowly and methodically eating me alive starting with my right foot, all the time fixing me with her cold snake like eyes, is completely deluded and barking up completely the wrong tree. She’s up to my knee now. Or rather she isn’t. Absolutely not. And if you don’t see me around in the near future it certainly won’t be because I’ve been eaten.”

One insider told us “Obviously Theresa has been in Government before and hails from an era when cannibalism was the norm. The thing you have to understand about Conservative politicians is they don’t actually like other people at all and people they don’t like they try and eat. Obviously they’re all united by their hatred of poor people, disabled people, and public sector workers but ultimately they loathe each other too. It was only going to be a matter of time before they all turned on each other and began attempting to use each other as a source of food. Personally I’m amazed that they lasted this long without consuming each other. Having said that, has anyone seen Iain Duncan Smith for a while?”