Voters’ confusion as immigrants still here

A leave voter has told of his anguish this morning on waking up to find that there were some foreign people in his immediate vicinity who appeared to be showing no signs of packing their bags and shockingly seemed to be living their lives like nothing had happened.

Britain votes to put its dick in a blender

Britain has voted to put it’s own penis in a food processor and turn it on in order to make Britain great again.

Boris “We must use the Isle of Wight as an example”

Britain must follow the lead of the Isle of Wight and use its lack of racial diversity as a shining beacon as how the UK could be post Brexit, according to conservative leadership hopeful Boris Johnson. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show, the former Mayor said that the islanders’ mistrust of all visitors, even other […]

Britain will be forced to have French loos warn Brexit

British citizens will be forced to balance on their haunches with their trousers round their ankles and shit into a hole in the ground rather than use British seated toilets, should the UK vote to remain in the European Union, Brexit campaigners have warned today. A furious Boris Johnson said “We need to take back […]

Osborne “I do not benefit personally from being rich”

George Osborne has assured critics that he does not benefit in any way from being rich. “I may have lowered the top rate of tax in 2012 to increase my own net income but I can assure you that I don’t get any advantage from that. “It just passes through my bank account. Some of […]

Boris “Anyone saying I’ve gagged them should shut up”

Mayor of London Boris Johnson has insisted today that none of his staff have been gagged over the EU referendum and any that say they have should shut up.

Boris “The French should apologise for Agincourt”

The French must apologise for their behaviour during the battle of Agincourt in the 15th Century, make a pledge to stop eating long bread and desist from saying aw-he-haw-he-haw according to London Mayor, Brexit campaigner and would be Prime Minister Boris Johnson. “We may have won the bloody battle but there were loads more on […]

Iain Duncan Smith to leave Europe now

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan smith is reportedly so excited about the possibility of Britain leaving the European Union that he has gone on ahead and left Europe already. A source close to the shiny headed inequality monger said “He was like a cat on a hot tin roof. The thought of living on […]

Boris launches leadership campaign under guise of some EU thing

Boris Johnson has formalised his campaign to run for Prime Minister under the guise of some argument over membership of the EU. The shaggy, self serving, former Eton schoolboy said that the question of whether to remain in the EU was a complicated issue and it had taken him hours of painstaking thought to work out […]

Ranulph Fiennes to climb the Bristol Stool Chart

  British adventurer Ranulph Fiennes has announced today that he intends to prove that advancing years are no handicap by climbing the Bristol Stool Chart unassisted.  Mr Fiennes full name (Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, 3rd Baronet, OBE) will climb to the very top of the chart whilst simultaneously performing the relevant bowel movements at each stage. The […]