British citizens will be forced to balance on their haunches with their trousers round their ankles and shit into a hole in the ground rather than use British seated toilets, should the UK vote to remain in the European Union, Brexit campaigners have warned today.
A furious Boris Johnson said “We need to take back control. And not just of our sphincters.
“Have you tried reading the daily telegraph whilst balanced on the balls of your feet with your arse hanging out? Well who hasn’t? But now we’re going to be expected to take a dump at the same time. And unless we reclaim British sovereignty then dropping the kids off at the pool in an oval shaped ceramic basin with a plastic seat on it is sadly going to be a thing of the past.”
An equally incandescent Iain Duncan Smith said “We can only assume that all the pro EU advice we’ve been getting from virtually every financial institution and foreign Government is being given from the safety of a luxury toilet seat, next to a roll of luxury toilet paper, knowing full well that they’re unlikely to have to poo in a hole in the ground and probably have to clean their arses in a bidet.”
The news has provoked similar reactions throughout the leave campaign, with some members racing to use British facilities whilst they still can and others vowing to leave the country in an effort to avoid foreign toilets.
UKIP leader Nigel Farage said something about a gravy train.