Britain to pull out of drinking in moderation

Britain is to opt out of the EU policy of moderate drinking at meal times in favour of the traditional British policy of getting as drunk as a monkey on an empty stomach on a Friday night.

Despite vehement protests from EU leaders, Theresa May has unveiled plans to return drinking to 1980s levels on Friday evenings before even invoking article 50.

“It’s time we took our sovereignty back” Theresa May told a press conference this morning “Since we joined the EU we’ve been told that we should join France and Spain in drinking only with food. Food just soaks all the alcohol up, so it’s yet another example of ridiculous EU legislation. We would like to take things back to happier times when our hardworking British public would reward themselves by going out on Friday night, drink 15 pints on an empty stomach and then vomit, piss and shit themselves.”

Mrs May has however acknowledged that with 48% of the population refusing to even drink and drive, there may not be a quick fix.

“Many people have become acclimatised to eating foreign food and accompanying it with just a glass or two of Burgundy or Rioja. We need to return to the type of parties people went to when they were 15, preferably involving filling up bottles with every spirit within arms reach and downing it in one.”

The move has delighted the medical profession. TV Doctor Chris Steele said “It’s like a return to the 1970s when alcohol wasn’t really that bad for you and nobody thought of it as fattening either because it’s drink. Personally, I was bored shitless of advising people to only drink occasionally, I mean really, ooh look at me with my maximum of two units over dinner! Time to grow up and get pissed.”