Osborne announces cuts to pretending to give a shit

A Conservative only Government will attempt to reduce the deficit by holding back funds previously earmarked for the Department of Half Heartedly Pretending to Give a Shit, according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne.

Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference Mr Osborne said “Do you realise how much it costs to tell people we’re having to make tough decisions and somehow through that imply that it causes emotional if not physical pain and anguish to ourselves? Obviously the cuts don’t affect us and we’re throwing good money after bad by trying to appear empathetic. The Guardian readers won’t like it but there’s a deficit to be cut so from now on we’re going to have to make these decisions purely for our own enjoyment. Followed by a opening a bottle of champagne and laughing manically” he explained.

Indeed a spokesman for the Department of Half Heartedly Pretending to Give a Shit told us that the entire team were already looking forward to new challenges and giving the last few years up as a bad job.”Bollocks to tough decisions announced in a sombre manner. Hooray for Snidey little decisions announced cheerfully! And with the Lib Dems out of the picture you can stick compassionate conservatism up your arse.”

Ed Miliband has told the public that only Labour can offer a true alternative. “I can assure you a Labour Government will accompany any cuts we make with a single tear running down our cheek.”