Premier foods take another hit as Mr Kipling arrested under operation yewtree


Share prices for Premier foods have taken yet another hit this morning at news that the figurehead of one of it’s biggest brands Mr Kipling has been arrested under operation Yew tree.

Drawing unsuspecting people in under the premise of “Exceedingly good cakes” the seemingly kindly face of mass produced mediocre pastries belied a more sinister side, one that preyed on fat middle aged men and for many years seemed untouchable.

One Premier Foods insider who asked to remain anonymous told us “I can understand Premier foods extorting money from their suppliers. That’s all about year on year growth and I’ve got a flip chart that says that’s perfectly fair. But covering up for Kipling is a step to far. In hindsight I think everyone was a bit scared of him. The whole ‘cake’ thing was probably a scheme to reel in chubby middle aged blokes who’d be impressed by a seemingly unlimited supply of bakewell slices.”

Indeed, one heavy boned man in his forties told us of his shock at the ulterior motives of Kipling after having been invited to sample a selection of individual fruit pies in cardboard packaging. “I was expecting an individual apple pie with a significant gap between the pasty apple filling and the top of the pie. Instead I was offered a different type of filling.” he told us.

There is no suggestion at this stage that any fictional figureheads for Bisto, Oxo or Ambrosia are involved.

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