The economy is being torn to shreds by weasels with sharp and pointy teeth and can only be revived by far more stringent austerity measures, according to stark warnings issued today by the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne.
Speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Today Programme Mr Osborne said “I know I said that I had single handedly saved the economy after Labour’s mismanagement caused a global downturn that started in America, but now through absolutely no fault of my own it has been torn to shreds by weasels.
“They’ll only go away if we make more difficult decisions. They don’t want me to make a fair contribution out of my family fortune or try to get Amazon to pay some tax. That would be an easy decision. And that won’t get rid of these pesky weasels.
“I know this view isn’t going to make me very popular. But fiscally carnivorous rodents only understand one thing. And that’s me taking hard working families and shafting them up the wrong’un.”
Conservative Mayoral hopeful Zach Goldsmith has offered the Chancellor his full support in saving the economy. “Bollinger, Tattinger, what ever I need to drink to sort those pesky weasels out I’m right on it.” He promised.