Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has this morning ruled out any state assistance for northerners with fancy water houses which enjoy running water of up to 3 feet high through the downstairs rooms.
“I’m all for a northern powerhouse but if they think we’re paying for their oop North surrogate Venice then they can fuck off. They’ll have to work for it like everyone else or inherit it like me.
“We’ve got to make some difficult decisions. But this isn’t one of them. They’ve basically nicked that water from public rivers and hoarding in their living rooms. They should be giving us money.”
Mr Osborne has the full backing of Prime Minister David Cameron who promised a rescue package for his friends who owned water companies, funded by the locals.
“If sneaky people in Carlisle and other such places are getting their water for free and not even using electricity then they’re going to have to compensate my friends in the utilities sector. Time to put their hands in their pockets.
“In fact many Chinese people pay to have water running through their homes. If we’re making cut backs in other areas it’s simply not tenable to allow these Cumbrians free feng shui.”