George Osborne “Poor people must give us a kidney”

Poor people will be expected to donate a vital organ to cover any welfare payments according to new measures announced by George Osborne today.

“There’s no such thing as a free lunch” Mr Osborne told Lorraine Kelly in a pre-conference briefing. We have lazy benefit claimants who are not contributing to society yet feel they are perfectly entitled to sit around enjoying 2 kidneys, 2 lungs, 2 livers and 2 hearts. It’s the sort of wastefulness we inherited from a Labour government, and it has to stop.”

It’s thought that it will be mainly welfare claimants who will be required to donate a bodily part. However it is also envisaged that some workers on the minimum wage may be expected to provide a vital organ due to their modest tax contributions. The plan is then, rather than to simply give the organs to the NHS, to have them fitted to rich entrepeneurs and company directors to make them work as “Superbeings”, and thus earn more and provide the treasury with more tax revenue.

George Osborne explained “Instead of ridiculous Lib Dem ideas like mansion tax, we will be leveling the playing field by fitting higher rate tax payers with a well deserved extra bodily part. It’s our way of saying thank you for contributing more in tax, thank you for being our old school friends and thank you for donating to the Conservative party.  And by way of thanks we’re going to fit you with an extra liver.”

Richard Branson told us “It’s a wonderful scheme and I’m so glad I earn enough to be entitled to an extra bodily part. I’m loving having the extra lung. It means I can hold my breath under water for ages.”