Theresa May to headline Glastonbury on Sunday

Theresa May is to address Glastonbury revellers at the Pyramid stage on Sunday evening following Jeremy Corbyn’s talk today.

Festival organiser and landowner Michael Eavis said “We want to remain balanced And let’s face it, after putting on Kanye West it became quite clear that we can put on whoever the fuck we like, and the people still come.”

Mrs May is not strictly headlining as she is set to play just after Biffy Clyro and before Ed Sheeran.

“What people actually want is me and then Ed Sheeran whilst coming down on their drugs and then having to go back to work the next day. Unless they all leave the festival before we start, we have a clear mandate from the people. They might then wish they were back at Saturday afternoon, off their faces and listening to Jeremy Corbyn. Well there isn’t a magic Saturday tree.”

A source close to the Prime Minister confided “She was initially reluctant as she felt it might be full of long haired lefties. Once we explained that they had got rid of them all, no-one managed to bunk in for free any more and the festival was only for affluent young people who could actually afford a few hundred quid for a couple of nights camping in a field and would very probably just leave their tents behind, she seemed to have warmed to the idea.”