Labour to shit on the poor compassionately and fairly

Acting Labour Leader Harriet Harman has promised that despite a minor rebellion from do-gooders, Labour will now concentrate on taking a monumental shit on all poor people, albeit compassionately and fairly.

Speaking to a heaving press conference the hapless interim said “We must listen to the voters and defecate on poor people from a great height, whether that be from the top of a ladder or from out of a helicopter, whilst keeping with fundamental Labour ethos of looking at the underlying causes of poverty and then ignoring them. They may not be our voters that we’re listening to. In fact they’re not. We should listen to other party’s voters.

The move has come as Ms Harman also advocated an independent Scotland to appeal to SNP voters, black lines on white roads to appeal to Monster Raving Loony Party voters and bouncing across the floor in a full lotus to appeal to the Natural Law Party.

One Labour MP told us “It’s great to see labour moving with the times”

Leadership hopeful Andy Burnham said “I disagree with it and yet I don’t. I’m left wing, I’m right wing. I’m all for it yet inexplicably I’m voting against it. And vice versa. I’m like the mongoose of politics. Look at me darting this way and that”