Ed Balls “We’ll give everyone a job by taxing bad people”

A Labour government will tax all bad people and give every single person a job according to new measures announced today by shadow chancellor Ed Balls.

“Nobody likes bad people so it’s only fair that they contribute to a state orchestrated facade of full employment. We’ll be asking the public to demonise various stereotypes on a scale of 1 to 10 before charging them between 40 and 103% income tax accordingly. At the moment bad people are mainly bankers, but also people involved in energy companies. So we’re going to get everyone jobs working for banks or energy companies. And then take it all back in tax. And then use each individuals taxes to pay their own wages.”

Of course once everyone has a job then there will be no need for stupid “elections” every four years or so. People will of course have a vote but we’ll be following the successful North Korean model where there will be one candidate who you can vote yes or no to. We’ll be strongly recommending voting yes.”

However Mr Grimley Fiendish from the National Association of Bad People told us “It’s another example of stereotyping at its worst. Just because someone has a top hat and an evil laugh people assume they have millions in ill gotten gains.”

Labour Leader Ed Miliband said he was delighted to hear about the new policy. “I only found out about it after hearing Ed Balls on the news. But it’s great news. Everyone will be so happy because everyone will have a job. I don’t know why previous Governments didn’t think of it. Everyone will love each other and live together in a giant Teepee.”