Public stampede to panic buy useless shit on internet

Clever people on the telly are predicting an unprecedentedly busy Cyber-Monday as people shun work, study and going to the toilet in favour of buying as much useless shit as possible on the world wide web, in order to celebrate God’s birthday later in the month. Thanks to increasingly sophisticated technology and methods of performing online transactions, customers can “virtually” run around like a blue arsed fly ending up buying something completely unsuitable out of sheer desperation. It’s just the same as running around a shopping precinct but without actually interacting with anyone or getting any exercise.

One online shopper we spoke to told us “It’s wonderful this internet business and it’s certainly transformed my Christmas preparations. Usually I leave everything till the last minute then run in and out of Boots and BHS picking up ridiculous box sets and ‘present ideas’ whilst simultaneously swearing at and pushing over anyone that gets in my way. Then I get home a few hundred quid lighter realising that I’ve bought some unbelievably lame tat which nobody would ever want, and I would never buy for myself in a million years. This year I’ve bought all the same shit online and all I need to do is take a string of sickies from work while I wait for it all to be delivered. Then just before Christmas I’m going to run around the town centre in a panic pushing people over, smug in the knowledge that I don’t even need to be there.”

Strangely enough porn site Drugaddledsurgicallyenhancedunrealisticgoingthroughthemotions.com has also reported record traffic today. Another shopper told us “I keep getting distracted. I’ll probably just end up running around a department store at the last minute again. Most likely the one advertised by that crap bear.”