Government accused of favouritism towards hard working people

The Government have today been accused today of pandering to the wishes of hard working people. Speaking at a press conference this morning shouty number cruncher Eddie Balls warned that hard working people would not longer be able to expect an easy ride under a Labour administration. “First it was the bankers, then politicians, now […]

No reason to live in Britain now it has poisonous spiders

Britain is preparing itself for almost 100% migration following the news that it does after all have poisonous spiders, the only reason that people live here as opposed to somewhere nice and hot. It’s thought that the influx of false widow spiders is so widespread that every house will have one somewhere and most people […]

Ed Miliband “We’ll tax people who look a bit flash”

A Labour Government will be directing it’s attentions to people who “look a bit flash and give the impression of being minted” according to leader Ed Miliband.  In a policy that will be calculated on knee-jerk reactions to first impressions rather than actual income. It’s thought that a group of Daily Mail readers will be […]

Labour despair as Ed Miliband takes vow of silence and sits in bucket

Senior Shadow cabinet members are said to be highly disappointed at yesterdays decision by Ed Miliband to completely stop speaking, both privately and publicly. A close family source said “It started over Sunday lunch when he refused to confirm or deny whether he would like another roast potato. Since then he has answered the phone […]

Ed Miliband to ban multiple votes for northerners

Ed Miliband has pledged today to finally end the practice of individuals having extra votes on Labour party matters simply due to coming from the Northern half of England. At present every Labour party member is entitled to one vote. However if he lives or comes from anywhere between Derby and Carlisle he will be […]

Falkirk candidate to be decided by punch up

The new Labour candidate for the constituency of Falkirk is to be decided through an old fashioned punch up according to Labour sources. In what is seen to be the biggest test of his leadership since pulling the rug from under his brothers feet, Ed Miliband told a heaving press conference “Eric Joyce used to […]

David Cameron “You’ll have to winkle us out with a shitty stick”

Prime Minister David Cameron has said the coalition will continue ‘right up until polling day’ in 2015 and has issued a stark message to party dissenters and the British public alike “You’ll have to winkle us out with a shitty stick.” “We’ve had some disagreements within the the coalition and even within the party but […]

David Miliband leaves parliament to become train driver

David Miliband is planning to leave parliament to pursue his life long dream of being a train driver a close friend has confirmed to NewsToad. “He’s always wanted to be a train driver and finally he’s going to be one. He’s only been doing politics whilst he has been waiting for a position to come […]

Labour “better in a fight” than Conservatives

The Labour party have come out as odds on favourites in the event of a fist fight with the Conservatives, according to recently published data from the Office for National Statistics.  A spokesman told us “It’s all very well them standing in parliament arguing about methods of fiscal deficit reduction, but sooner or later it’s […]

Hugh Grant confirmed as “King of the newspapers”

As a result of today’s cross party agreement, Hugh Grant has confirmed that he will be accepting the position of  ‘King of the Newspapers” and as of today all news stories must be submitted to him for approval and editing. The new role is thought to run concurrently with his present position of playing Hugh […]