Brighton Council to ban wind chimes

Brighton Council is to issue on the spot fines for residents who have wind chimes in their gardens, as part of a crack down on anti-social behaviour.

Council Leader Warren Morgan said “Brighton is known for late night drum sessions, and white people with dreadlocks playing the didgeridoo. Whilst we don’t wish to discourage this, the trend for people filling their gardens with incessant tinkling fuckwittery is a step to far.”

Indeed Brighton is thought to be just a microcosm of a country wide epidemic with many garden centres selling them off cheaply thanks to mass production in China where they can only be made legally under the proviso that they export them immediately.

One Brighton resident told us “I’m fruitarian, I care deeply about my aura and I even pay for reiki healing so I have a high threshold for absolute bollocks. But somehow my neighbour thinks it’s OK to recreate the effect of him sitting in his garden all night and clanging away on a triangle. Yet apparently if I then force my way into his house and shove his wind chime up his arse I’m in the wrong. You couldn’t make it up.”

Local Green Party MP Caroline Lucas said “Brighton has led the way towards an eco-friendly sustainable future in recent years. But if you’re going to ruin it for everyone by having wind chimes dangling around your stupid house, then you might as well eat a McDonalds and burn bin liners on your driveway. Why not stick a dead panda in a wheelie bin and be done with it?”