Blair “I’m having a wank in a big pile of bombs”

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair is reportedly having a wank in a big pile of bombs and fast approaching his vinegar strokes.

Speaking from outside one of Mr Blair’s homes, where he is reportedly locked in the khasi along with a stash of missiles, a portable TV and a multi-pack of Andrex, a close confidante to the former PM told us “Its not quite the same as doing the real thing and starting a war himself, but he’s still finding it quite titillating. That’s why he’s sent Cherie out for the night on the premise that he has to stay at home and do some admin.”

Prime Minister David Cameron has denied that the purpose of his bomb Syria stance is in anyway designed to provide Mr Blair with some sort of war-porn.

“It’s a ridiculous suggestion. Now if you’ll excuse me, nature calls.” Mr Cameron told us whilst entering his private cubicle armed with 3 toilet rolls and and some DVDs of the Iraq war.

“Hopefully they’ve cut out all footage of a much younger Jeremy Corbyn. That’ll put me right off my stride” He confided.