Danger as smug vegetarians approach critical mass

  “Ultimately most vegetarians do it for the buzz,” Professor Cox explained “every time they meet someone who eats meat their bodies automatically produce special ‘smug chemicals’ similar to seratonin and dopamine. These mood changing chemicals are quite safe if somewhat annoying for others. However, in case of an overdose vegetarians have been know to vibrate, melt or even explode with devastating consequences.  The revelation that most meat eaters have eaten processed horse by mistake, and that this might contain evil horse drugs, is set to set off an uncontrollable smug chemical chain reaction.”

 Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs Owen Paterson has played down the predictions and has urged the general public not to panic. “There’s no evidence that vegans, vegetarians and pescetarians are anywhere near reaching dangerous levels of smugness. We concede that many are rapidly increasing in temperature but it’s nothing a cold bath won’t sort out. Our advice to anyone with a vegetarian in their household is to put them somewhere cold and dark, like a garden shed.”

  “At least until the inevitable Linda McCartney llama meat scandal” he added.