The Catholic Church has been thrown into turmoil today by the Pope’s decision to resign from the catholic Church to ‘seek new challenges within the private sector’. The announcement came as a surprise to insiders who had gathered to join the Pope for his weekly game of ‘ecumenical cricket’, where participants gain one run for spotting a priest, four for spotting a nun and six for spotting a cardinal. On gaining a particularly high score it is thought that out of the blue, he announced that it was time for a change of career and to hand over to someone more ‘down with the kids’
Pope Benedict the 16th, known as ‘eggsy’ to close friends and family, has assured people that he is fully aware of the gravity of the situation. Reasons cited for slinging his hook have included pedophilic priest cover ups, leaks to the media from his staff, his refusal to visit other countries and his irrational fear of nuns. He is also reported to have a shed that he would like to spend more time pottering around in. He has surprised senior Vatican officials by suggesting as possible successors the late Richard Pryor, Hong Kong Phooey and rapper Mr Snoopy Lion. Pryor and Phooey are seen as outside chances due to them being dead and a cartoon character respectively, leaving Mr Lion with every chance of landing the top job.
The rapper who already has only recently changed his name from Mr Dog is also seen as the hot favourite due to his experience in speaking to large audiences and wearing silly hats. In addition, he has been known to ask a wide variety of people to ‘kiss his ring’ which will naturally stand him in good stead. His Rastafarian leanings could possibly be seen as an issue but Mr Lion feels it would not hamper his ability to read ‘Mass and tings’. A Vatican insider told us “He might need to stop waving guns around a bit but he can wave one of those dangly metal incense things around instead, which should keep him happy”
Meanwhile, Mr Benedict as the former Pope will now be known is reported to be on ‘Garden Leave’. A spokesman for Vatican Human Resources explained “he won’t have to do any work but he can’t take up any senior positions with any other organised religion until he’s cashed his last pay cheque”
It’s thought that an expected Papal endorsement of using condoms and smoking weed will serve to modernise the Catholic Church and increase its popularity. Already preaching such measures is fellow former rapper and recently ordained priest the Right Reverend Ice Cube who offered the Papal hopeful his full support. “I don’t know if he speaks latin. But if he just keeps replacing parts of words with ‘izzle’ I wouldn’t imagine anyone will notice the difference”.
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