More threesomes expected in government U-turn on married persons allowance

Middle England is predicted to turn its back on traditional family values and instead follow bohemian alternative lifestyles, as Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that the Government will no longer be introducing a tax break for married couples in next months budget. The U-turn is widely feared to open the flood gates for threesomes, open relationships, sex with cartoon characters and general gimpage.

Major Howard-Jones of Farncombe in Surrey in middle England told us “It’s the final nail in the coffin for traditional family values as far as we’re concerned in middle England. We don’t mind all this bringing up children in a heterosexual marriage in leafy suburbs and reading the Daily Mail. But we expect to be paid for it. And to be honest it was all getting a bit boring anyway. So I’m off to attempt to have sex with a wide variety of people and animals before paying someone to shut my bollocks in a car door. I might even experiment with some recreational drugs as well.”

Another passer by told us “I knew this would happen. The fabric of society has been terminally destroyed and people are running around being crazy. Middle England is now like Lord of the flies. I haven’t actually read Lord of the flies but everyone just nods when you compare things to it. So I often say it.”