Duchess of Cambridge “I’ll punch that Hilary Mantel in the tits”

kate middleton

The Duchess of Cambridge, Princess Kate Middleton has broken her customary regal silence, to voice her disagreement with writer Hilary Mantel, and let her know that she plans to punch her in the tits.

The situation has escalated since it began a  fortnight ago, when Mantel gave a speech at the British Museum in which she called Middleton ‘bland’, ‘machine made’,  a ‘plastic princess’ and  a ‘jointed doll on which certain rags are hung’. This in turn seems to have created a situation commonly known in political circles as a ‘Bandwagon of Bollocks” where David Cameron and the Daily Mail both get hot under the collar over the same pointless thing at the same time.

One Daily Mail reporter told us “This is all absolutely outrageous unless I’m writing about something else in which case that’s absolutely outrageous. Or unless it’s my day off in which case I couldn’t give a shit. I think I’d better check.”

A spokesman for the Palace has dispelled rumours of a possible fight between the writer and the Princess. “We ultimately realise that this speech wasn’t really about the person underneath the image but about the image itself. We understand that Hilary Mantel was actually  critcising the media rather than the Duchess of Cambridge, and in many ways her statements should be seen as a critique of society as a whole”.


 “Unfortunately Kate doesn’t see it that way and she’s off to Mantel’s house to punch her in the tits”  he added.

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