Ex-Lib Dem chief executive Lord Rennard has today refuted allegations of sexual impropriety, blaming a rare breed of ‘arse biting chicken’ for any inappropriateness. His shorter than expected statement “It wasn’t me. It was the arse biting chickens” has surprised the political world and left the results of the forthcoming Eastleigh by-election ever more difficult to predict.
Nick Clegg has vehemently denied any sort of cover-up claiming that he heard ‘rumours’ of arsebiting chickens targeting prospective parliamentary candidates, but had never actually received an official complaint.
“Look there’s always hearsay about marauding bum nibbling wildfowl running amok at Lib Dem headquarters but nine times out of ten it’s just tittle tattle” he told us. “However if these chickens are expecting Lord Rennard to take the blame for their actions then they have another thing coming. We’ll launch a full investigation immediately.”
The news comes as Britain’s most senior Roman Catholic cleric, Cardinal Keith O’Brien, is stepping down as leader of the Scottish Catholic Church amidst allegations of sexual impropriety. A source told us “It wasn’t actually him. It was the arse biting chickens”.
“And boob fondling sheep” he added.
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