Shiny new Pope Frank has announced at his Inauguration Mass today that his first task as Catholic Church Boss will be to lead an all out invasion of the Falkland Islands. Speaking in Latin, he told the 200.000 strong crowd “I’ve been approached by Argentinian president Cristina Fernandez and asked if I can do something to intervene in the Falklands dispute. Well I’m intervening alright. We’re going to invade it.”
Amid rumours of God powered ray guns and alien technology, it’s thought that the Vatican will be pouring much of their immense wealth into the military attack. One insider told us “Pope Frank has taken over an organisation with immense cash reserves and he’s a bit worried that someone might decide to audit where it all came from. He could use it to provide food to the world’s poor but chances are they’d just eat it. The best solution is to send a crack team of Cardinals into the Falklands, take them over, give one Falkland to Argentina to keep them happy and then keep all the oil as a tithe or something”.
Foreign Secretary William Hague has played the threat down and has ruled out sending extra troops to the Islands. “These Cardinals may be well armed but our forces can see them coming from a distance due to their very large hats. The only reason we’ll change tactic is if they send in the nuns. They make the troops very nervous and even the Gurkhas are a little bit scared of them. It’s something about the way the float in the air.”
Pope Frank was at pains to point out that the imminent invasion is in no way connected with his Argentinian heritage. “We are actually invading the Falklands because they are home to the infamous Satanic sheep of temptation. It’s all in the scriptures” he clarified.
News Toad 
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